If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know that I am not a reporter, nor journalist, nor gossip columnist. I am interested in pop culture, but I do not consider myself a maven. I am, however, a writer, an empath and a lover of healthy truths/conversations. I don’t use my platform as a space to tear people down, and despite some of the strong negative feelings that I have concerning Bishop Charles H. Ellis III’s behavior toward Ariana Grande at Aretha Franklin’s Home Going Service, I will maintain that stance. I love God, I love church because I was raised in it and was taught to revere the sanctity and divinity of the institution, and I have a deep and abiding respect for those who have answered the call to ministry, and I honor and respect those who serve in it to the very best of their abilities. But what I AM going to do is have the conversation that we keep avoiding. I am going to talk (from MY perspective only) about this big, pink elephant standing in the middle of our living rooms and bedrooms and around our family dinner tables on holidays/and at gatherings and in our sanctuaries, yes indeed, our sanctuaries.
THE SEXUAL PREDATORS THAT WALK AMONG US.
The ones who PRAY FOR us, and then PREY ON us. The ones who sign our PAYCHECKS. The ones who CATCALL on the street and tell us to ‘Smile, stop looking so mean’. The ones who can’t seem to get past us at a party or crowded space without rubbing against us. The ones we call BROTHER, COUSIN, UNCLE or even DADDY.
WARNING!!!! The imagery and verbiage in this blog may be triggering for some.
If you google Bishop Charles H. Ellis III right now, there are two major headlines that will pop up; The fact that he ‘groped’ Ariana Grande in his pulpit, and his apology for unintentionally ‘crossing the border’ with these actions (NOT TO MENTION HIS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS ABOUT HER BEING AN ITEM ON A TACO BELL MENU). You can read those articles for yourself and draw your own conclusions. I know what I saw and I know how I feel about this specifically. But in a more general sense, my heart is busting through my chest because of what it represents. What it has always represented. The disappointing fact that lots (NOT ALL), of men in powerful positions (including ecclesiastical) where they have gained and/or earned the trust of people, will abuse their power in moments of vulnerability or visibility, in order to prove a point or get what they want. In the instance of Bishop Ellis and Ms. Grande, he had her hemmed up with his fingers so close to her breast that I can hardly stand to watch the videos or look at the pictures… He, like so many other ‘powerful’ men who are being scrutinized right now for their sexual misconduct, KNEW that if she were to truly object to his ‘affection’ in that moment – and snatch away from him or cause a scene in front of hundreds of people (actually, millions if you count those of us who were watching from around the world), that it would be an embarrassment to her, and a disrespect to the Queen of Soul that they had all gathered to honor. Surely she wouldn’t do that, so she stood, VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE, and let him have his moment. I could write a book about the times that I’ve been in her shoes; Having a man be so overcome with fantasy, memory, curiosity or….. whatever he was overcome with….. that he just HAS to hug you, just HAS to touch you, just HAS to make some dumb, or sly, or inappropriate joke, and just HAS to make you stand in his arms and take it until he’s done. My mother has endured it. My grandmother endured it. I’ve watched my best friend suck it up and endure it on more occasions than anyone should have to. My male friends have been grabbed and objectified by other men and women, as if because they had penises, they would obviously love it. Other MEN that I love had been sexualized and flirted with before puberty hit, because the development of their bodies and voices ran ahead of their maturity and cognitive reasoning. And I’ve been angry to the point of rage, but had to stand down because 1. Turnabout is fair play and 2. They had a reputation to uphold and it was just EASIER to walk away and avoid a confrontation, then to call come of them on the carpet in front of the people whom they had just finished impressing.
But imagine having a man’s tongue wagging and hearing him describe one or two things he would like to do to you after church, laugh it off like he was just playing, and then having to watch him mount a pulpit, preach a sermon and trying to get something out of it – after filtering through the feelings of violation. Imagine having been at a service and getting a pretty suggestive DM afterwards from the preacher – only to scroll his page and see how much he loves his beautiful wife. Imagine trusting a pastor, priest or preacher with a secret or just trying to express your gratitude, and being groped or fondled or undressed with his eyes. Imagine wanting prayer but not being able to get it, because you can’t handle him being near you – let alone touching you. Imagine wanting to shout or praise in church, but you can’t because you know he’s watching and thinking that it is his own private show. Imagine someone wanting to be your ‘Father in the Gospel’ outwardly – but wanting to be ‘Daddy’ privately? Imagine feeling indebted for your ability to grow and heal and evolve, and the asking price be a sexual favor – or consenting to be, available?
Too far? Too much?
It’s Uncomfortable, right? Yeah. I know. Too bad it happens to also be very real for some.
The argument has been this: Ariana Grande had on an extremely short skirt. Some feel that her attire was inappropriate for church, let alone, a funeral.
I have been at events (and even church) and been harshly scrutinized for what I’ve worn, and had to hear people tell me how much attention they thought I was seeking, as opposed to the fact that I was practicing autonomy and being grown – ultimately wearing the things I had spent my hard earned money on. I’ve had people tell me that should someone do or say something inappropriate to me – it would have been because I ‘asked for it’ because of what I wore.
Ok…. So what is to be said for babies, toddlers or preteens who are dressed appropriately – and molested/raped? What about them asked for it?? ……………………. exactly.
I agree. She should have had on something different, for the occasion.
HOWEVER – Her legs being out does not give license to any man (most specifically a married one officiating a funeral) to touch her. At all. Period. There is nothing that ANY woman can wear that will make her body fair ground for a man’s hands (or even another woman’s hands, but we will talk about that later). She did not need a hug. She did not need to be openly celebrated. All she needed to do was sing her song and sit down. But because she looked enticing and because he was in charge at that moment and could literally do whatever he wanted to and knew that no one was going to stop him, she was not able to perform her task peacefully.
Instead, she was meant to endure the shameless groping of a strange man, and we got to watch. The voyeurism of it all. What makes me sad is how quickly we were willing to act as if she was ‘asking for it’, as opposed to pointing out the sheer lack of discipline by a man nearly twice her senior. We avoid the conversation and chalk it up to ‘boys will be boys’, and ‘she should have known better’, instead of forcing these people to take inventory of their own appetites, impulses and accountability for their behavior. Yes, if you dangle meat in front of a dog, he’s bound to want it. But those are instincts that cannot be helped. And the meat is usually dead and meant for consumption.
We aren’t talking about dogs. We are talking about men (AND IN SOME CASES, WOMEN!!!!!!) who CAN STOP themselves, but CHOOSE not to because they don’t HAVE to – knowing that someone, somewhere is going to say that he obviously couldn’t help himself. And we are talking about women who can wear a HEFTY BAG and still may end up being molested or assaulted, just because. (I emphasize women, because eventually we are gonna talk about how many men believe that they ‘lost their virginity’ at an early age, when in reality, they were also sexually violated.) Some argue that it was unintentional. Some argue that we are making a big deal about it. And that is their opinion and they are entitled to it. But we aren’t ALL delusional.
It is my personal belief that these conversations are difficult to have, and therefor avoided, on purpose. And in a lot of cases, this avoidance is not out of meanness or callousness, but because most people cannot handle the emotions that these moments bring out: DISAPPOINTMENT and FEAR. We do not want to believe that they are capable of something so degenerative – and the fact that our relationships with them would change permanently because we can’t un-know what we know. We do not want to believe that our married pastor prefers young girls or boys, instead of or in addition to their own wives. We don’t want to believe that our uncles and cousins saw us as sexual prospects and that’s why they give us those extra long hugs. We don’t want to believe that our fathers and stepfathers sat us on their laps to purposely enjoy the friction caused between our bodies touching. Mothers don’t want to admit that they had a lapse in judgement and invited their children’s molester into the home. We don’t want to face the dysfunction. We don’t want to believe that you can LOVE GOD and still VIOLATE someone. We don’t want to answer questions like ‘Where were you when this was happening to me? Why did you let this happen to me? Why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did you rape me? Why did you molest me? Why did you make me feel like it was my fault? Why didn’t you confront the person who did this to me?
It’s too much to handle, so we don’t handle it. I get it. BUT TOO BAD!
It’s killing us. Literally. Someone is dead right now, having this in their grave with them – and someone might have known, and maybe didn’t say anything. Someone has died being the perpetrator- and was never forced to apologize. So their guilt – if there was any, died with them. But their ghost haunts their victim(s) every single day.
We can’t keep being afraid of conflict. We can’t argue about nonsense on social media, and cancel people and block others and share pictures of our children’s first days of school and graduations and formulate unfounded about someone else’s life and choices, but let THIS KIND OF MONSTER TEAR OUR FAMILIES AND CHURCHES AND HOMES APART!!!!!!
How many holiday dinners have actually been torture, because we’ve had to hold hands, bow our heads and give thanks for our family, when our innocence was stripped from us by one or more of the ones around the table saying ‘Amen??’ How many families/relationships have been ruined because the young lady (or man) in the family has chosen rage and avoidance and started acting out instead of telling that someone touched them? How many churches have emptied because they harbored fugitives in powerful positions? How many girls get labeled as a whore, but not a victim? How many men get labeled as a whore, but not a victim???? How many more lives do we have to lose to suicide, drugs or just silent bitterness, because we cannot safely say ‘me too’.
God does NOT sanction this behavior. And I am sure that His heart is broken because those who claim to know and represent Him, can sometimes be the exact opposite OF HIM – and make people stop believing IN HIM. Or worse, have people think He condones it – because some who perpetuate this horror, do so in His name.
You don’t have to be scared. It might not be easy – as a matter of fact, it won’t be! But you can speak up. Someone will hear you – and someone will HELP you. Yes, there may be consequences and yes, relationships may change or dissolve….. Yes, you might not be invited back to thanksgiving. Yes, they may doubt your word because of what you wear. Yes, they might think you initiated it because you are sexy or attractive. YES! YOU MIGHT BE CRITICIZED AND EVEN THREATENED! But it will be because you told the TRUTH! You my sister. You my brother. You do not have to endure this kind of abuse in silence. The sins of your violator are for God to exact revenge on, and whether it happens where you can see it or not – be CONFIDENT that He is absolutely going to fight for you.
But the healing is your duty. I still believe that predators need help, and punishment – but I am less concerned about THEM than I am about YOU! They can try to hide from themselves, but you can’t – And you don’t have to. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for it. You did not have it coming. It was not an accident and you were not the cause.
You have a friend here.
An ally.
I see you.
I hear you.
I feel you.
I am YOU – Because, unfortunately, ME TOO! —–
But there is HOPE and HEALING and you deserve it, despite what you’ve been told.
This is not where your story ends. Just this chapter.
Here's The Truth! 